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For this post, I wanted to offer a few thoughts about something that’s a little more personal, but that many of you may have or may also experience at some point in your lives—loss on top of chronic stress.
Sometimes in life you’re going along, managing your stress OK and keeping it all in balance, when suddenly a huge event catches you by surprise and knocks you off your feet. This happened to me two weeks ago when both my parents passed away, two days apart from each other. Though they were both over 90 years old and frail, the suddenness of their decline was shocking, and in three weeks I went from having frail but independent parents to planning their funerals. It was like being hit by lightning—sudden, unexpected, and devastating.
Now I am learning about ways to handle grief on top of the day to day chronic stressors we all face. While everyone’s grief and loss experience is different, I thought I would share some of the things I’m learning about coping with and working through grief in case they are of help to any of you.
Even in the middle of grief and loss, it’s been important to take care of myself and do the things I need to do to manage stress—eat, sleep, get outside, take deep breaths. You can’t put those things on hold.
I’m learning to be easy on myself. I have bad brain fog, get tired easily, snap at people, and forget things. It’s ok, this is normal in grief. It will get better with time.
I don’t have to do everything by myself—all the planning, managing, arranging. People want to do something, and it feels better when I admit I need help and let people help me. It doesn’t mean I’m weak and when I let someone help me I feel less alone.
Finding things that are comforting is really important right now. I take comfort in looking at old pictures and in playing music my parents enjoyed. I’m carrying my father’s handkerchief around with me in my pocket. Every time I put my hand in my pocket it reminds me of him and all the things he gave and taught to me and my children, and gives me great comfort.
Leaning on my support network has been the most crucial thing I have done. I have spoken with, called, or texted family and friends to cry, to reminisce, to think about the spiritual, to just be quiet together. Having someone just be with me—not tell me it will be ok or try to fix things, but just be with me—has been the most healing thing I have experienced.
So during times of loss, take care, be gentle with yourself, accept help, find comfort, and lean on those who love you. I have faith that these things will get me through, and hope they can help you if you are experiencing a loss. We can get through this and, while missing what we’ve lost, return to thriving.
